You know.. I seriously thought that I had honestly lost all feelings for you, but now I just don't know. But thing is, no matter what feelings I may presently feel, I wasn't happy in our past relationship- I'm not even sure I could even call it that. I know you wanted to make it official, but I just knew deep down I could never make it work. I wish I could just fully let you go cause I know the feelings I feel is not true love; I'm not some naive girl who could easily classify something as love. Have you ever been hurt by someone and tried to move on.. but when you see them you think of all the good memories(no matter how little) you guys shared? Yup, I think thats what I'm feeling right now. I don't want to get back together with you.. it's just.. when I think of you, I want to think of our good memories.. and not our bad ones. - but when I do that, I go back to a time in which I had strong feelings for you.. & thats not good because I need to start heading back to reality.
You know, I really was hurt by you. It's funny how you were the one guy which I actually seriously tried to make a relationship work with, but yet you were the most hurtful one to me. That's the one thing which I still can't shake off to this day. I don't want to continue thinking of that though- but I can't help it. I need to stop carrying with me that thought, because truthfully I know myself.. it's going to be hard to bring myself to try with another guy cause of that. That wouldn't be fair to him or me.
Half of this stuff probably doesn't even make sense- but I just need to put my feelings into words. If not.. I think I'm going to try pushing everyone away again. sighs* & I certainly don't want that.
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